Will Work for Praise

I don't really know how to start this post but it's been something on my mind for a while so I'll go ahead and share it! Small disclaimer: the purpose of this post is not to say I have a serious problem, or to say this way of thinking is right. Really it is to laugh at myself because of the things I think sometimes.

In my Motivation and Management class we have been working through the book "Punished by Rewards," by Alfie Kohn. It has been fascinating, because he spends his time explaining research that shows extrinsic rewards, or rewards that come from others, actually do more harm then good. Then shorten decrease our performance and internal desire to accomplish the very task we received a reward for. I can accept that pretty easily, but he actually lumps praise in there with the external rewards. Now there is a distinction between praise and encouragement. In order to fully understand his position I recommend reading the book or at least this article, which is like the readers digest version.

I decided I want to try eradicating praise form my daily speech, which has been very hard. I bit my tongue a lot. I also decided I would try to ween myself off the need of praise. So for about a month now I have been trying to let the praise I recieve roll off my back without taking it to heart. I have come to learn I am a praise junkie, and I am going through withdrawals.

During Sacrament meeting one Sunday I thought to myself, "I really want a boyfriend so he will sit and tell me how wonderful I am!" I haven't wanted a boyfriend for a very long time, and now that I wanted one was it for companionship. No. A deeper connection with another human. Nope. Was I looking to take another step toward eternal salvation. Not even close. I wanted a boyfriend so he could talk to me, about me. Oh, come on...

Another day I had a really embarrassing experience with a guy I worked with. I was trying to explain why I had made a mistake which offended him and my attempts to be sincere came out extremely awkward and uncomfortable. Finally I gave up and power walked out of there. I was immediately on the phone with a friend, telling her all about it. She has been really good about not enabling me, aka not praising me. I ranted and purged all of my scrambled embarrassed feeling, and then I said, "But I just want him to tell me it's okay, and that I am fantastic awesome, fascinating, and amazing!" Jill reminded me that was not going to happen, and that I needed to be the one to tell me that. It has taken me three weeks to finally feel proud of the courage it took apologise, and not desperately want his approval.

I'm not writing this blog to tell everyone to stop praising me, because well, lets face it I want it bad. This post is more to express my surprise at how difficult getting sober really is. There have been several days when I had to stop myself from calling some and asking them to tell me everything they like about me.

I'm getting better at it, so please don't feel like you have to censor yourself when you talk to me. Because really I'm the one who needs to changes in my personal thinking, not the rest of the world. I keep laughing to myself as I think about the past month. Who knew you could actually go through praise withdrawals. Learn something new everyday!

Best Valentine's Day Ever!

A couple people have asked me how my Valentines Day was, and I honestly have to admit, It was pretty good! On the BYU-Idaho there are generally two extremes: the incredibly happy and public couples, or the sullen and bitter singles. They're only angry because they want to be one of the couples with a PDA problem.

I honestly was worried about what I would feel this year. It would mark the one year anniversary of breaking off my engagement. Yes I realize I broke up with him on Valentines Day, I choose to ignore the fact that my actions are generally frowned upon by the larger part of society. Anyway Sunday night as I was falling asleep I let myself think about what my life would have been like if I hadn't ended the engagement. This is something I generally don't let myself think about, but instead of bring up unpleasant past memories I felt secure and happy. I felt like I actually had grown and learned a lot in this past year. I felt good about all of my choices.

Then Monday, Valentines Day, I was largely oblivious to the fact that it was the day of love. I think it was another tender mercy that I had so much to do that day. But really I don't know how I missed it. There were big signs advertising the couples dance, love birds floating around kissing each other, and people running around in pink shouting "Happy Valentines Day." I even had a lesson that centered around Valentines day and it never registered in my mind. During my last class a boy came in and gave a girl in class a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I thought it was so sweet and wondered if he was proposing or if it was her birthday or something. It wasn't until one of my bitter neighbors made a sassy comment I realize the real reason. I said, "Oh, it's Valentines Day! That makes sense." She stared at me as if she couldn't figure out why that had just occured to me and I felt a little dumb, but then that past too.

I do have to mention how spoiled I am by 6 boys at home and their parents. That night as I sat doing homework, I got a beautiful vase of flowers. It absolutely made my day, and the bear is so soft! I have to say it. I have one roommate who is engaged and two who are constantly surrounded by boys, but I got the best flowers.

Unless I'm Mistaken, I Think I Made It.

And exhale one big sigh of relief. Ahhhhh.


This week has been one of the busiest weeks I have ever had in my life. I haven't decided if that was an exaggeration or not, but it serious was really busy. This week I had midterms, a HUGE project due, I taught a 45 minute math lesson, and most stressful of all my student teaching application. Oh and on top of all of that I got asked out of a date! First time this semester and it had to be this week. Oye, but fortunately my date understood and made it really fun and appropriately short.

It was like a marathon, all culminating to that Big Storm I like to call Thursday. Everything was due on Thursday, and miraculously I got everything turned in!. As I clock out of work at the end of the day I felt a sense of accomplishment. I went and celebrated by kicking of my Air Hockey Tournament with Jill. YAY! Then I came home and crashed, I think I have finally recovered.

Really this post it to send thank yous out to the universe, because I know I had so much help and tender mercies. Thank you roommates for allowing me to shirk my dishes responsibility, and for not mentioning that my mess was slowly creeping into your part of the room. (I honestly had areas in the apartment surrounded by stuff except for the area in the center where I would sit.) Thank you Eric for coming and helping me with my letter of introduction. I couldn't have done it with out you. Thank you Brother Madsen for being in India. That extra 1hour and a half in the morning really helped me out. Thank you Saxon Math for having a lesson so planned out an detailed I didn't have to start form scratch.

Thank you to all of those who wrote a letter of recommendation for me. They were so wonderful and I was really touched. Thank you Heavenly Father for sending so many people around me to support and cheer me on. My family and friends really are ministering angels.